


Whalien 52

by aleigha



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Emotional dependence, Gen, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 17:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleigha/pseuds/aleigha
Summary: "Lonely lonely lonely whaleSinging alone like thisEven me, who’s like a lonely islandCan I shine on the outside?"





	Whalien 52

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from The Most Beautiful Moment in Life Pt. 2  
> I was listening to it, and was going to write something for it since I could really relate to the lyrics, and it was going to be for BTS. But then I realized Oikawa fits so well with the song so I wrote this. These are all bad thoughts. They are all thoughts I have on a daily basis, they are bad and false, but sometimes its easy to forget that.  
> Please don't read this if it will be harmful to your mental health. This was cathartic for me to write, but that doesn't mean it's going to be cathartic for you to read. I just needed to get these thoughts out and I connected with Oikawa the most.

He felt like he was drowning, like he couldn’t catch his breath at all. It was as if he was surrounded by bullies who were pushing his head underwater, forcing him down there until he couldn’t hold his breath any longer.

He was antsy, his body on a flight or fight reaction, but there was no outside danger, just him. Just his thoughts. The thoughts racing through his head. You’re manipulative. Nobody likes you. You’re a failure. You’ll never succeed. They don’t want to spend time with you. They all hang out without you. Thoughts that he couldn’t help but think were true. And it was easy to believe in them when his brain was supplying moments in his past that reinforced these ideas. Times he had seen Iwaizumi at the mall with Hanamaki and Matsukawa-- he hadn’t even been invited. The countless times when Iwaizumi would tell him he was too tired to hang out with Oikawa. His countless failed jump serves and the games they had lost. They were all sloshing around in his head.

He had to do something but he didn’t know what. He wanted to call Iwaizumi. He knew he couldn’t. If he called Iwaizumi then he would be manipulating him, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to make others feel guilty for his own problems that he was creating. He had no right to push those problems onto anyone, and it wasn’t their responsibility to fix them. But he wanted to call him so bad. Wanted to hear his voice, hear him act irritated.

The tapping noise from his fingers was starting to irritate him. His neediness was irritating him. The four walls that surrounded him were irritating him. He wanted to hit something; to go to the gym and just slam volleyballs into the wall. He wanted to hear that satisfying sound as they smack the wall and fall to the ground. He had to go there, but loneliness kept him trapped in. ‘The only reason you want to go there is to see if anyone would follow you,’ his brain told him. It was right, like always. His heart hoped that maybe if he stayed out long enough, somebody would get worried and ask where he was. But his brain reminded him that no one cared enough to do that.

The need to scream was overpowering. To just scream out in the middle of the night. Scream louder then his thoughts. Maybe then he couldn’t hear them. ‘You just want to be noticed,’ his brain said ‘you just want attention.’ Oikawa does want attention. He thrives off of the looks he gets in school. Irritating Iwaizumi and the rest of the team is his way of making himself seen. The way people cheer his name and the gasps of surprise whenever he has an ace serve makes his blood pump and heart raise. He lives for their praise-- the praise of anyone really. His voice is loud because he wants to be noticed, but sometimes it seems as if he is speaking a different language. When people pass over him he feels small, like a tiny shrimp floating in the ocean, while everyone that surrounds him are whales. He feels overshadowed. The voice that comes out of him tries to be as loud as his brain, because he notices the thoughts from his brain the most. They’re loud, and he can always tell the difference.

His phone was tightly gripped in his hand, his knuckles white from the grip. Maybe he could just break his phone-- throw it against the walls that are surrounding him and hear it crack. Anything to break the walls that are surrounding him, keeping him in a tank full of water.

Without thinking, his arm raises. If he got rid of his phone and dropped out of school then he would never have to see anyone again. He could just sink into the loneliness; learn how to breathe underwater. ‘Wouldn’t that be nice? To just sink into the water. You wouldn’t have to struggle anymore. It would be easy. You could just cut everybody off. You could make them realize how much they needed you. You should make them feel how you feel. Just cut everybody off.’

The phone in the air started to buzz. Oikawa almost dropped it. Every thought erased from his mind. For one tiny moment he had no negative thoughts. His brain was quiet for once. His heart started to beat faster, reacting to the attention. It was Iwaizumi! He had texted him! Maybe he did care. The walls were gone. He was above the water, no longer a shrimp just floating. Now he was a whale, big and loud. For a brief second, he felt needed, and happy, and like everything was alright in the world. He didn’t feel lonely. It was these moments he clung to, moments where he was noticed. They were the moments he felt the happiest, his highest moments. He could hear the negative thoughts of his brain start to inch back, demanding attention the way Oikawa wished he could. If he told Iwaizumi how he was feeling then he would be using him-- expecting him to fix his problems. He couldn’t lay his problems on other people-- it was his bed and he was going to sleep on it, as pointed as it could be.

He texted Iwaizumi back, after waiting three minutes to show he wasn’t desperate for the attention he direly needed. The text was simple. “Bout to go to bed Iwa-chan ;)” If Iwaizumi would have called, Oikawa wouldn’t have been able to talk to him without starting to sob. Texting was easy. He could hide behind symbols and emoticons.

He laid back in his pointy bed, and watched as the four walls raised themselves around him, the water starting to flood in. His brain was back to its regularly scheduled program, and he fell asleep, hoping to hear a buzz that never came.

**Author's Note:**

> If you need to talk about anything or just want to talk about Haikyuu!! or BTS my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/aleighan98) is always open!


End file.
